For a moment, I look at the yellow leaves plastered over the grey sky. The mists have draped over the mountains and the stillness is impeccable. I know this stillness well. I know it so well, that in another life beyond the mountains, I thought that it was all that existed. I didn't believe in real danger or pain or difficulty. The most difficult thing then, was to bear the stillness that was at times deafening, as it is today. I thought myths were just stories, legends were just fairytales, and heros were far from the reality I knew.
I am awake with the thought that I can do it. In the past, I have said it and I didn't let myself down. The odds seem vast, insurmountable, stacked up like a saddening day of impossiblity. But I know I will.
Maybe I don't know how yet, but it doesn't matter. I can do it, and, I will.
This is no ordinary shot in the dark, either. It is my dream, my impossible dream, the one that won't let me go, it just keeps one yelling at me that it will never stop waiting and that I will always feel its callings in the soft parts of my heart. And as it calls, it reminds me that the journey to it is an adventure journey, full of dragons, quicksands, wild beasts, villians and dark sorcerers. It tells me that I will be challenged to face my deepest fears, strengthen my greatest weaknesses and tame my wildest anguish.
My life has become a legend and I have become the heroine. In the life that I know now, I use this deafening stillness to gather my strength and prepare for my next battle, which is in no way a simple analogy, but more real than anything I have ever known. There was a line drawn, and as I crossed it, I knew there was no returning--alive or otherwise.
I can do it. I have no other choice, but death.
My courage must grow wings. My love must become strong and protective. My vision must evolve into seeing all that is. And most importantly, my focus must not waiver for the slightest change in the wind.
I must do it. I will do it. I can. Occasionally, I don't want to go on. A sense of defeat cripples me. It is a defeat, not of having lost, but of having to give up more than is humanly bareable. Mine is a journey that has few supporters. Those I have left behind have grown bitter and stagnant in their ways. They don't see that i will save them one day in ways they may not even recognize or acknowledge.
I am a warrior. I must survive and conquer my challenges. There is no turning back. so I will do it with honor, grace and impeccability.
